monkey spanking 101

another question begging answers came shuttling into my inbox.
here's the question:

"Dear Uncle Zenstar

Long time GM, first time question...asker...thingy. I have a problem
with my players. They keep going on complete tangents to the carefully
prepared storyline I have so lovingly created, turning a 2 session
story into 5 sessions of in-character masturbation. Damn it, they`re
not following the script! They`re my monkeys and they must dance when
I say so! Dance Monkeys! Dance! What sage advice can you give me for
when the party moves in the opposite direction of the plot?

-bAbYaCiD

ps: Discharge. *snigger*"

dear acidic baby:
discharge *snigger* yeah...

firstly i think i can see a major route to your problem... monkeys!
monkeys make decidedly poor players sometimes. you may wish to invest in an organ grinder to keep them happy and dancing. possible bribes with bananas may get them doing what you want, but beware their faeces flinging antics...
sometimes you just have to spank them to keep them in line. most people find that after a good spanking things seem to be a lot better.
besides, i'm sure monkeys like being spanked. when i searched in google for "monkey spanking" there were many pages praising the advantages and urging others to do it.

of course you may be having problems with a regular human group too.
there are a couple of schools of thought over the subject of wayward players. the first group believes in gently guiding players without curbing their free will. the second group eats the pizza and chips, drinks the cokes and beers, and swears at the players until their ears bleed and they give in to your demands.

to keep the players headed in the right direction you could do lots of work and create a real world where people can go do whatever they want, and try gently bribe the characters to do what you want with whispered promises of goal completion and rewards...
or you could force them onto your track and speed up the train so that if they try to deviate from the course *SMASH* dead character... "make a new one that'll listen next time, and stop flinging faeces!"

if they want to rush off on a tangent, put a massive obstacle in their way ("great cthuhlu is gaurding the entrance to the shop... are you sure you want to buy a refreshing carbonated beverage before going into the dungeon?")

if they don't take the hint, kill one of the characters to leave a message ("bob takes a step off the beaten track when suddenly the script police jump out from behind a bush and gently suggest you turn around and head into the dungeon by beating you in the face with their truncheon. take 500 points of damage, create a new, more obidient character, and put down that handfull of faeces!").

if after this they still don't take they hint then you're going to have to start killing players ("i shot him in the face because he went the wrong way. his character will become an npc. which way did you say you were going again?").
this is obviously a drastic approach as cleaning the living room of all that blood is going to be difficult. if you play in someone else's house, however, it becomes far less of a problem (especially if you just shot the owner).

i detect another slight problem in your question:
they turn a 2 session adventure into 5 sessions of in-character masturbation?
what system are you playing exactly?
obviously the characters are sexually frustrated. set an adventure in a brothel and they should be sorted for an adventure or two more. alternatively start every session from a brothel ("the new HQ smells of fish!").
if they still continue to masturbate then attack them with skilled, yet evil surgeons.
snip snip and they no longer feel the urge once the relevant bits are gone (you may need something to hold the female characters down as the snip snip for them is a little more intricate... alternatively kill them in the attack and then only allow pre-snipped characters as replacements).
if this doesn't suit you then try this one: if any character masturbates in game, their player has to masturbate the gm.
this may not stop the in-game masturbation, or keep them on track, but you'll care a lot less about those problems.

finally, make sure that the players bring snacks, drinks, and cigarrettes. if they're going to waste your time you might as well get something for it.
alternatively charge them an hourly rate for gm'ing them. you'll be amazed how quickly they'll get back on track when they realise that their shopping spree tangent just cost them 100 real world monies!

hopefully that'll help you reign in your perverted, faeces throwing, dancing primate, roleplaying group.
if not try using electroshock therapy (with a mainsplug, a length of flex, and a smile).

uncle zenstar