Monday, August 22, 2005

the 12 steps to becoming a wino

the mailbox has been overflowing with questions
(i got 1 and it wasn't even a question)
so in true schpatdope style we're going to turn it into a question and answer it.
the mail:
"later will leave quastion when sobert!" -schpat
obviously he's asking how to introduce a drinking habit to the party and how to get away with it when your gm is in a bad mood.
thanks for the question schpat.

drinking and roleplaying can mix like vodka and orange or like stroh rum and anything else. (ie: it can be good or bad). to make sure things go down smooth, never take stroh rum to a game.

generally if you can convince your gm to let you play a wino character then feel free to bring beers to roleplaying (skip straight to step 5).
if he won't let you play a wino then you'll have to do a little roleplaying (yeah... hard work, i know but it has to be done).
step 1: get your character severely injured or frightened by something (like yog soth-oth). if you survive your encounter then tell your dm your character is taking solace in a bottle of whiskey (to calm his nerves).
if he dissallows access to whiskey move onto step 2. otherwise go to step 3 (this is just like a choose your own adventure thing or something)
step 2: start acting like brad pitt from 12 monkeys: crazy as a loon. get more and more crazy, leading the party into more and more trouble, disrupting the gm's carefully laid plans until he/she allows you access to the whiskey to keep your character subdued or until he kills you off. if you're killed off ask to play a wino. once you have access to the whiskey go to step 3.
step 3: make sure to point out how your character is becoming more and more dependent on the whiskey and is drinking often... at every chance you can get. if the other players seem to be getting upset, use a whiskey bottle as a molotov cocktail to bail them out of a fight and they'll soon see the advantages of permanently having a bottle around. after a couple of sessions of this move on to step 4.
step 4: announce the fact that you believe your character has become an alchoholic, take an "addiction" flaw to show everyone that you're roleplaying (and to prevent excess suspicion) and move onto step 5 in the next session.
step 5: arrive at the gaming session slightly toasted. when you get asked why you smell like cheap wine reply: "i'm just getting into character." (make sure to slur as little as possible). once the other players are used to your toasted state move on to step 6.
step 6: arrive at the game with alchohol. drink excessivley. roleplay drunk. be careful not to vomit on the tac-map or the gm or the player who owns the house you're roleplaying at. a rainbow-yawn mistake will have you kicked out of the game and you'll have to do your drinking alone at home. (and we all know that drinking alone at home makes you an alchoholic so you need to have access to your rolplaying/ drinking group to prevent this from happening) go to step 7.
step 7: steps 7 - 12 are all quite simple and interchangable. drink... lots... rinse and repeat (especially if you vurp on yourself).

if your gm gets upset with you because you're being a drunken lout/ spilled beer on his maps, then there is only one possible remedy: give your gm a beer. you'll be surprised how much calmer and more forgiving he/she will get and probably won't even withhold xp for smudging his carefully designed dungeon when you attempted to "drown" the ork with a "flood of mead."
in fact, if you give your gm a few beers he'll probably join in and if you bring some harder alchohols he may not even remember it was you in the morning.
if other partymembers start complaining then you're going to have to appease them with a beer. in fact its to your advantage to get at least one other player completely drunk (especially if they're cute and of your sexual persuasion when you're drunk). if someone else at the game is drunk then your gm will have to divide the blame amongst you. the more people drunk, the less you get blamed. the more drunk the gm, the less likely he/she will blame anyone.
basically: if you bring drinks to the game, you're going to have to bring enough for everyone.
i hope this answers your question. happy drinking.
uncle zenstar.
mail your quastions to (or leave a comment).

coming soon: an answer to viito's question


Blogger schpat said...

"drown" the ork with a "flood of mead."


I'll click an ad for wit like that!

4:55 PM  

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